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My iPhone is Possessed

January 7, 2017

Let me start off by saying that I was not drunk when this occurred. And I am most definitely not drunk now. I am not taking any drugs, nor have I ever. I have been fighting a nasty cold for about a week now, so I am a little more tired than usual. However, I am not THAT tired.

So last night was a fairly normal night. Again I had not had anything to drink other than plain old tap water that had been filtered through my refrigerator. I didn’t consume any “special brownies” or anything suspect. We had Little Caesars for dinner and that was it. So because I have been sick, I went to bed at approximately 8:40 – don’t judge me. I am old, tired and fighting a cold. If I want to go to bed before 9:00 p.m. on a Friday night, that’s my prerogative.

I plugged my iPhone 7 in, and placed it on my bedside table, as I do every night. I fell asleep almost immediately which is weird for me, I usually toss and turn thinking about all the things I should be doing other than sleeping. But last night I was out. I was sound asleep. Sleeping like a rock when all of the sudden at approximately 9:37 p.m. a male Australian voice thundered in my bedroom, “Starting route to Comerica Theater.”  What in the actual hell was happening? Scared the pee right out of me to suddenly hear a male Australian voice in my bedroom and why in the hell is he taking me to Phoenix????

My heart was pounding in my chest and I really needed to pee because that’s what happens when I am awakened suddenly, but at the same time I needed my stupid phone to quit talking to me. Last thing I wanted was to wake up the girls.

Side note my phone has been stupid since the day I got it. I’d say approximately 20-25% of the time the touchscreen doesn’t work. It won’t slide to answer, it won’t open a text message, and it won’t open maps. It does nothing. I tap, I swipe, I pound with my fingertip and the stupid thing doesn’t respond at all. So last night was one of those times when the damn thing did not work.

SIRI kept repeating “starting route…” a couple more times as I tried in vain to “end route” and shut the stupid thing up. After several attempts, I finally succeeded in turning off the maps. Then I noticed I had a new text message.

Weird, I hadn’t heard my phone chirp, but still there was a text. Again, I tried in vain to open it. Instead my calendar opened. Then closed, then opened, then closed. I wanted to read the text not look at the damn calendar. I finally tapped at the farthest side corner and got my text to open.

It was my fab friend, Karen, who I haven’t talked to in way too long. She suspected that I butt-dialed her and asked “what’s up?”

Another side note, I was raised in the generation that you do not call people after 9:00 p.m. unless someone is dying. It’s too late to be blabbing on the phone.

Before asking Karen if she was drunk, I checked my recent calls and sure enough there was a call to Karen’s phone at 9:16 p.m. What in the hell is going on?  Remember I was sound asleep when all of this transpired.

I finally got my heart rate slowed to almost normal, told Karen my phone was on crack, turned the stupid phone off completely and went to bed.

This morning I wanted to make sure that I was not crazy, so I checked my phone. Sure enough a phone call to Karen, a text from Karen and then I looked at my maps.


Not only is the last thing on there directions to Comerica Theater, but there was another entry before that one.

Who in the hell is Julius Oskenhorn?   I googled it to see. Turns out Julius Oskenhorn is a jeweler in Millburn, New Jersey. Seriously? I’ve driven through New Jersey at some point in my life, buy how (and why) in the hell is my phone trying to take me to a jeweler in New Jersey????

So anyone know how to complete an exorcism on an iPhone 7?

One Comment leave one →
  1. January 7, 2017 9:30 pm

    Factory re-set? Certainly a visit to the Genius Bar should be on your Calendar. Good luck!

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