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The Big One is in Training…To Be a Man

August 26, 2008

Yes, my three-year-old daughter is training to be a man. I am convinced of it. She really wants to be a man. What on Earth could a pre-schooler do to indicate a preference for being a man? Well, she seems to have figured out some of the FixItMommy’s pet peeves about men and is perfecting them

Listening Skills
For several months we were very concerned about the Little One’s hearing. She was at one point diagnosed with a mild hearing loss, so we cut her some slack in the listening department. The Big One on the other hand has given no indication of hearing loss until recently. She takes it one step further, instead of simply not listening; she is perfecting the art of focusing on what she wants to say instead of listening to what I have to say first. For example, she will ask a question and instead of quietly listening for my response she will ask it again, and again, and again, and again. It doesn’t matter how quick I am to answer, she assumes that I am not listening and asks again. It drives me insane, but from past experience it is classic “man-behavior.” The art of being so focused on oneself that they cannot comprehend that I, the FixItMommy, do in fact have an answer and would be more than willing to share it, if I could just get a word in.

Screaming at Inanimate Objects
This is another classic “man-behavior,” it’s the old if you can get it to open, turn, move, light up, or stay in place you simply start screaming at it in the hopes that it will suddenly obey your commands. I am talking about getting a cup to stand up on a bumpy surface, getting a large toy to fit through a small space, getting a response out of a battery-operated toy when clearly the batteries need replacing. Instead of calmly trying to figure out what the problem is, the Big One screams at the inanimate object at the top of her lungs.

The Big One is definitely not the problem-solver of my children. The Little One will observe a situation and thoughtfully try different approaches to achieve the task at hand, while the Big One screams and uses brute force to achieve her goals. Hmmmm, I seem to recall a large hole in the wall in our house in Dayton when the Husband was struggling with the installation of a baby gate. Said Husband rarely uses four-letter words however I recall a streaming spew of them followed by the undeniable sound of drywall buckling under pressure. {by the way, who do you think fixed the drywall?}

Spray Paint and Boobs
A bit more light-hearted, but definitely still classic “man-behavior,” is the fascination with boobs. We were outside the other day playing with spray bottles filled with washable paint. We were spraying different colored paints on paper (and the back porch) in an attempt to stay cool and entertained. I warned the Big One for the tenth time to stop spraying the Little One. Instead of listening to me (see above for the listening problem the Big One has) the little turd turned her attention towards me and sprayed with the spray bottle. While she was spraying the Little One in the head most of the time, when it was my turn she sprayed me directly in the chest with red paint. So I spent the rest of the day with bright red boobs. Yes it was my fault for wearing white and giving a three-year-old a spray bottle filled with paint, I know. That doesn’t change that fact that while there is a whole lot of me that she could have sprayed with the paint, she went straight for the boobs… just like a man would.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. Karen permalink
    August 27, 2008 7:38 am

    In The Big One’s Defense: My husband would likely say the same about me re not being able to get a word in. And I have been known to verbally abuse the copier at work – and believe it or not somehow that usually whips the piece of crap back into a state of compliance! …. never would have pictured your Hubby with his fist through a wall – very entertaining! LOL!

  2. August 27, 2008 11:42 am

    that’s hysterical!!

  3. August 27, 2008 7:52 pm

    Too funny! Diva thinks she’s a man every so often. Fascination w/ mommy boobs, trying to pee standing up…

  4. fixitmommy permalink*
    September 3, 2008 7:15 am

    These kids are funny ones!

    And yes, it was hilarious, Karen. I too was surprised by the string of expletives! Very out of character.

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